she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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