There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
