Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
