Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
