wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
