I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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