I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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