I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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