I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
