I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
