So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
