I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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