singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
