sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
