It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
