we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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