What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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