You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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