My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
