It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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