Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
