I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
