if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
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I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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