When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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