how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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