do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize
