Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
