i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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