how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
