FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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