So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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