Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My penis needs a shock collar
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
