I want to make a zoo with you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
