I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
