I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
