the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
