You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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