I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
