Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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