I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
are you so shy because you have an std?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
