You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
