Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
