thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
