this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
