I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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