Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
