My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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