lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
