The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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