I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
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I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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