I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize