Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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