I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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