I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
