Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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