someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just found puke in my bra..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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