I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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